| i can't lie, I'd rather fast forward through this part |
[25 Feb 2007|01:41am] |
i am in a bubble
my mind is on a tight rope
i'm elevated to the newest moment in history and i don't fear
my happiness is a bicycle
my body is a wheel
and i don't know who pedals but i trust the one who steers
my life is 50,000 analogies
i know my angels by name
i'm not suprised by any sin, and I've lost the stool from which we looked down
i am equal, but not equally hurt
my friends are real
i seem to be fading away, but I fade back in at the last moment
at the end of the story I see who it was playing with the dimmer switch
i could write all day about the one who saved me, but I'm way to busy thinking and talking about me
i am as ungreatful as heaven is good, and that I don't understand but I know that in this situation immensity is tragedy
i am feeble
if i am known as strong, and that knowledge is true, then it is my feebility that is my ability to be so
death and life are my newest toys
the toys of maturity because they look different everyday
their creator forknew what a fickle being i would be
my fondness of substance has a negative rating
and due to my nature of being partially substance,
a great comfort is that all substance will take on the very life of fire, and absolutly nothing will follow in my walking with the emperor beyond the sea
am i gaining momentum, or am i slowing down...
it's like the freefall at sixflags
i think if anyone where to comment on my random keyboard strokes, i bet it would be on that
i am one who wants people to notice, to care
another tragedy is that we children will carry that ball and chain to our grave without knowing what it was to take a stroll in the park freely
tonight I knew a girl who was "called" to carry an olympic torch. these olympics are competition of heavenly realm. and everyone who carries a tourch does so because of an extraordinary scar. that story is untold and to lengthy to mention, as it has not yet concluded nor will it do so soon. but the point is that she was called to carry it and forgot she held it. i think it's like when you thought you lost something, and months later you find it under your car seat and realize how near to you it had been all this time, but in the case she held it in her hand, and realized it tonight. i just hope she realizes that the only way to ignite it is from a flame (also forgotten) that is in a deep corridor in her heart.
i still don't know what I'm supposed to do
i wonder if I'll ever know
for now, I'm going to try to dream a dream that I actually want to be lost in
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| 2007, the beginning of the bust year of my life |
[11 Jan 2007|01:05am] |
I started running. I hurt my knee.
I have no fexibility. That's why.
Now I've destroyed my ankle. This is not good.
I love my dog. Crash.
He loves me, and he's not gonna stop.
I'm reading. The word, the way, the call, and they renew my heart.
Without God I would be a wreck, I mean, I am a wreck, but I can't imagine how bad I would be.
Note it.
I want people to know Him like I do. To see how he will provide. He makes provision for my heart that I would surely die without.
I want to do missions. I want to go over seas. I want to give my whole life to a cause.
I want to be in love again, the heart burns in me still...
I'm going to California and I can't wait to be there.
"Mountains... I want to see mountains again Gandalf..." -Bilbo Bagins
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| the wolf and the lamb |
[22 Dec 2006|05:50pm] |
“In that day the wolf and the lamb will live together;
the leopard will lie down with the baby goat.
The calf and the yearling will be safe with the lion” (Isa. 11:6 NLT). “And Jerusalem will be known as the Desirable Place,” the place of the fulfillment of all our desires (Isa.62:12 NLT)
When I read that verse about the wolf and the lamb, I could almost taste that kind of peace. Why can't that day be today... Maybe that's what I like about Christmas. It's chaotic, but it at times reveals a hint of what that peace will be like.
My prayer at this time in life is for all those who at a time put their hope in that day, and invested their life into a risky faith, but who then gave up and walked away. My prayer is that they would know that life again. That they would remember what that fulfillment was like, and that they would leave the dead and pursue the christ.
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| war,war,war |
[08 Dec 2006|05:48pm] |
We are now in the late stages of the long and vicious war against the human heart. I know—it sounds overly dramatic. I almost didn’t use the term “war” at all, for fear of being dismissed at this point as one more in the group of “Chicken Littles,” Christians who run around trying to get everybody worked up over some imaginary fear in order to advance their political or economic or theological cause. But I am not hawking fear at all; I am speaking honestly about the nature of what is unfolding around us . . . against us. And until we call the situation what it is, we will not know what to do about it. In fact, this is where many people feel abandoned or betrayed by God. They thought that becoming a Christian would somehow end their troubles, or at least reduce them considerably. No one ever told them they were being moved to the front lines, and they seem genuinely shocked at the fact that they’ve been shot at.
Hello? That’s what happens in war—you get shot at. Have you forgotten? We were born into a world at war. This scene we’re living in is no sitcom; it’s bloody battle. Haven’t you noticed with what deadly accuracy the wound was given? Those blows you’ve taken— they were not random accidents at all. They hit dead center.
On and on it goes. The wound is too well aimed and far too consistent to be accidental. It was an attempt to take you out; to cripple or destroy your strength and get you out of the action. Do you know why there’s been such an assault? The Enemy fears you. You are dangerous big-time. If you ever really got your heart back, lived from it with courage, you would be a huge problem to him. You would do a lot of damage . . . on the side of good. Remember how valiant and effective God has been in the history of the world? You are a stem of that victorious stalk.
(Wild at Heart , 85–87)
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| Back to 0 |
[28 Nov 2006|06:18pm] |
this fight is far from glorious.
when you're making the tough choices of the day
there's no one watching... no one cheering you on.
it's you, and your integrity.
it's easy to "get away with it"
but I'm tired of letting darkness become me
I'm not my sin
I am not my sin.
It takes a lot to even be able to see what the right things is,
but once your there,
it doesn't get easier.
Put me in a sun lit colluseum full of people shouting for me, and I wont stop until I'm dead, or the beast has been laid to rest.
but standing alone, in the silence, in the darkness, my drive, my passion are like still waters, and I'm subject to drowning of my own free will.
That's why I need a brotherhood, but more importantly that's why I need a God, who is with me always, and who is a colluseum of cheers, always, if I can only open my eyes to see the vastness of His beauty and might, worth dying for.
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| Caleb Dane Barton's Hopes and Dreams |
[27 Nov 2006|04:28am] |
the further I go in this life... it seems like the less I will know what tomorrow holds.
the only constant is that there are no constants.
nothing is for sure
nothing is certain
every choice a risk
every second opposition
I don't know when this season of my life will come to an end, but I feel that it could not come soon enough. I am 20 years old. The world tells me that my life should be care free and full of pleasure. My cares overwhelm my heart and I can barely recall what it was like to experience pleasure that wasn't momentary. I have forgotten what it feels like to have a mind completely at rest, and to fall asleep without a single thought slowing you down. What am I suffering for? I honestly can't tell you right now, because I don't know. I know that it has something to do with hope.
I have hope. And yes, it dangles by a thread. I have dreams. There not unrealistic. They are not "big impressive dreams," but they are mine. I don't plan on doing anything to be recorded in a book that your great grand children will find at a library. I have dreams that I desire so badly, that the distance I feel from them now feels like a vaccum on my heart.
1 I want to build a house. I place for the people I love to call home. A place that will be missed when you are on a trip, a place you don't want to leave after being there your whole life, because it reminds you of what heaven will be like. I want this place to be a fortresses, prayed over and secured by the power of an omnipotent protector. A place where someone who has been without rest for years and years, can lay there head down and have the most peaceful sleep they've ever had. A safehaven. Home.
-I don't see how this is ever going to happen. I am just poor kid. To be honest, I am so discouraged. All I have is hope.
2 I want to be in love again. To say with who, hurts my heart to much, but I want to be loved by someone who will persevere with me. Someone who loves me unconditionally and finds me interesting. Someone who wants to read everything I've ever written, who wants to go with me to places they are scared to go. And I want to love that person with a power that I can not manifest because it is so abundant. Yes, I would like to woo her.
-Again... I don't see how this is possible. My heart is so damaged. All I have is hope.
3 I want to have stories. Good stories. I want to be able to tell of great adventures. I want to be able to tell about the fights I was in and how I won some and lost some, but most importantly that I didn't quite. I want to be able to write a book of it all. I want my grandchildren to be fascinated with me, like I was with my grandad when we talked about electricity and when he didn't talk about the war.
-I can't even see five feet in front of me. Me.. having extraordinary stories... no, all I have is hope.
4 I want to have children. I want to be a father. I didn't have one. I want to be one.
-Yeah, sure, after all I cross the other impossible chasms. All I have is hope.
5 I want to have a brotherhood. A true fraternity. My heart is called to lead. I desire a band of brothers that would die for one another. Seriously. If it came to it, physically fight to the death for eachother. Real brothers. True friends. Not just buddies. I'm talking deep waters. That is rare indeed.
-I have friends, but I want to go deeper. Depth in relationship is swimming against the current. The enemy means to keep the waters deep. Sound like digging a shallow grave. I want true brotherhood, what I have is hope.
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| unanswered answers |
[24 Nov 2006|10:47pm] |
when you fall for so long
you're eventually just waiting to
hit the bottom...
if I could leap from roof top to roof top
I wouldn't be here, now would I
like twin towers falling
my prideful legs lack the structural integrety
don't follow the leader unless you are willing to die for him.
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| all the leaves have fallen, but I'm still here. emptied out. |
[24 Nov 2006|04:18am] |
walking away from your heart
it's like trampaling the flower, a yellow flower called sunshine
the only flower that made you glad
twas vibrant and sweet, and it was all you ever thought it would be like a summer day, and now your trying to forget it's beauty because steals your breath and leaves you cold
I'm nine
and crawling though the hay
it's my castle of hay, we play hide and seek
but being the best meant meant going the furthest in
hiding in the middle of this exciting place
breathing in the rich country air,
the thought that my castle'd catch fire never crossed my mind
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| If your tired of getting broken, break yourself |
[20 Nov 2006|12:18am] |
you are an island in the middle of the great blue
I am a ship, with sails set high, catching the wind
the wind pulls me swiftly, but I'm not just passing through
I'm looking for home
shores show sweetly of tropics and beautiful beach
what kind of island are you
are you true, or is there a hidden beast in your heart
the beast is in this storm
a storm
a storm
a wreckless destructive storm and now I'm swimming
and now I'm drowning
I'm struggling to breath
my thoughts on this storm are of wreckless abondonment, wreckless destruction
I want to tear the clouds from the sky
take them into my lungs
and set a fire there.
a dragon
you think I'm just a man, you forget,
a man came and broke your knees and he's ripping your heart out, your damned black heart
prayed for you to bring it, and so the clouds swelled, grew grey, then black, and now the heavens are broken like a rift in the sun, like a convulsing volcanoe raining down fire into the depths of my heart
challenge was in confident ignorance... you knocked the smile off my face with a swift punishing blow
but the truth is I'm glad,
I'm greatful that your so arrogant
because through destroying me,
a new kind of dragon was born
and he's going to burn your house down.
my ships going down down down
forget watching it
I'll put my foot though the hull, I'll snap the main myself and set the sails ablaze from the fire in my lungssssssss
fly above those clouds
take a look
take a good look
there's no place to land
the island is ablaze
the sea is ablaze
the sky is ablaze
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| a dream, a fight |
[15 Nov 2006|06:03pm] |
In the past 6 months I've had more dreams (mostly nightmarish) than in any other time in my life
All most all of them I have wanted to forget about because they're so bad they have the power to ruin my day if I let them.
This is one that actually wasn't that bad. It seemed important somehow, but I don't know.
It begins with me and Conor Brown riding in a car with two girls, who I cannot recall, driving through some suburban neighborhood. We get into a cul de sac and and a bunch of "thug cars" pull up all around us, demanding our women. Conor and I step out of the car and tell the 15 or so guys to move. So we are clearly out numbered but that's not relevant at the time. They tell us that they are going to rape "our girls" unless "entertained them". So they tossed Conor a gun and me a knife and said, in 15 minutes one of yall better be dead. Me and Conor just looked at eachother. I loved Conor's response. He just tossed down the gun and said "Fuck that." And I walked up to him with the knife still in my hand and he just stood there, and I said under my breath, "Alright man, there's like 15 of them, we got this..." He just smiled cause he knew exactly what I was thinking... There weren't enough bullets in his gun so this was about to get dirty. He picked his gun back up and then we proceeded to fight those thugs to the death and that is when I woke up.
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| disconnecktie... I heard and I stayed... I stay and I existed |
[13 Nov 2006|04:51am] |
| [ |
music |
| |
my love in music - norma jean |
] |
It's taken me 50,000 separate wrecks to get here and
I've learned... I've learned absolutely nothing.
As I'm standing here alone,
Upright and motionless
I am drowning in her sea.
The rising and sinking of every consciousness I've ever known
Now d e t a c h e d and d i s c o n n e c t e d .
The endless cycle of idea and action,
endless invention, endless experiment, endless hope and endless disappointment.
and I thought all I needed was just one breath to stay
Afloat.
For me it was like... like the breath, the last breath, the
last breath that I NeVeR wanted. a n y of this.
I never thought that this would
CAPsize,
but this isn't a boat, its a coffin!
And now I'm moving for w a r d.
Into the sea...into the great sea.
So I begin with the end in mind.
The cycles of heaven, 20 c e n t u r i e s gone by, come home.
I've f a l l e n three miles now... and I still can't shake this DRAGON,
but the end is coming like a flood.
It's going to be a year for
growing and the greatest amount of forgetting.
My sea is dying, but
death is a doorway
and at the very root of me I know this.
It's the greatest reminder.
what a board world to roam in
what a sea to swim in
s o I b e g i n w i t h t h e e n d i n m i n d.
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| the map of my life |
[09 Nov 2006|06:23pm] |
"Satan knew that to take out Adam, all he had to do was take out Eve. It worked rather well, and he has not abandoned the basic plan ever since." - Captivating
And here I am, broken. Yeah... still. But just because I'm broken, doesn't mean my life isn't as it should be; in fact, I think brokeness is a good indication that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.
I look back on the beginning stages of my life:
Boyhood: Not exactly average,but whose is. I lacked a father, but I was provided for. I have the perfect boyhood memories, summertime eight years old running around the neighboor hood with a sling shot and pop tarts in my pockets, climbing trees, and playin in the creek.
The Cowboy: I let God be my father and those teenage years were FULL of adventure, risk, and excitement. Those times where full of friendship and fun. My foundation was laid and I grew in every way. I truly discovered who I was, and never questioned it there after. The quest for truth was trying but successful. I learned that things are not as they seem. I learned that there is something wrong with this world. And I learned that I have an enemy.
Now I take a step back and look at the stages I'm in:
The Warrior: The transition from being a cowboy to a warrior is not exactly a fun one. Being called into a REAL battle can pretty much be one of the most frightening things a man will ever experience (The Four Feathers). The demeanor of a warrior is very different from that of the cowboy. My territory has grown and therefore there is much to fight for, much to be lost. The warrior is completely devoted to a cause. He has pledged himself to a fight that he takes quite seriously. The days of free-roaming self centeredness are over. "War is upon you, whether you wish it, or not." The wounds I have recieved are very real, but I am still in this. My life, right now, is about fighting back. Putting on my armor and not letting the people I love and care for be swept away by the World's delusion. I need to train harder and I need fellow warriors. I came into this fight unprepared, and I suffered great loss, but it's far from over. I will draw my power and strength from the source itself and press forward into the unknown. There are no guarantees, but if I fail... die trying, at least I can look back on this and know that there was a time where I fought.
The Lover: True love, there is nothing like, nothing. A year and a half of my life, I couldn't have asked for more. I will never wonder what that is like, because I know. I know what it is to take the greatest risk and give your whole heart. And I know what it is for the one you adore more than any other, to completely love you and only you back with everything they have. To have someone rest in your arms and say, "I've never felt safer in my whole life," is a feeling that all the words in the world can't describe. To be the only of your only. Tell me, what is better? And it's very easy to get carried away in lost with that. I guarantee you wont find a better exemplification of God's beauty and love than in a woman's heart. But, I also know the other side. I know what it is to loose that. I know what it is to be separated from that which has become so innertwined with your heart that you feel that you have become separated from yourself. The Lover may be stage of the greatest joy, but if that is true, then it can also be the stage of the greatest suffering. My heart remains heavy and burdened, but I will not give up on love. I will continue to love. I will seek the depths of God's love and hope that there will be a day where I will know that again.
And with hope, I take a look ahead:
The King: I don't know what lies ahead in life and love, but my heart desires these days, finally having a peace in my heart. War will still be there and I will still fight, but it will be from a place of fortification. Man was created to rule, and I hope that whatever kingdom God may bless me with, I pray that I will rule in humility and grace. If this is what God holds for my future, I desire to love my wife more than any woman has ever known and love and raise my children with wisdom, and a loving strength. Peace; the word has never meant so much to me. I long for the days as a king, they will be golden.
The Sage: And when I am finally at the end of my journey, full of grey hair and wisdom, I will look back on it all and say that I truly lived. So many people fear getting old... I honestly look forward to it. Our generation has lost respect for our sages and elders. I miss my grandad and I wish I had him now. I hope that someday someone will feel the same about me. I want to leave a legecy, and the days of the sage will hopefully be a legecy fullfilled.
So that's where I've come from, that's where I am, and that's where I'm going. I fell, but it was invevitable. The important thing is, "to pick yourself back up" and keep going.
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| leaving behind the grey haired man |
[07 Nov 2006|05:24pm] |
We passed levels of truth very fast. On most of them we did not even bother to look around if there was not a weapon apparent that would work on the serpents. Faith, Hope and Love stayed right with us, but I had not noticed that we had left Wisdom far behind. It would be a long time before I noticed that we had left Wisdom far behind. It would be a long time before I would understand what a mistake this was. He would catch up to us on the top, but leaving him behind cost us a much quicker and easier victory over the evil horde. -FQ
Yesterday was a good day, but if I believe that what I hope for will happen, I must heed such warning.
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| FIND HOPE IN DESPERATION |
[31 Oct 2006|07:57pm] |
"life has a way of chipping away at that conviction, undermining our settled belief that he means us well. I mean, if that’s true, then why didn’t he _______? Fill in the blank. Heal your mom. Save your marriage. Get you married. Help you out more." (Waking the Dead)
As soon as I read that, I just busted out laughing. I was like... for real... heal my mom, save my (relationship), get me married, help me out more... wow. I mean, it would be ironic, if I didn't believe that it was on purpose.
Sometimes I think God has a sick sense of humor. No, I really don't. He's just crazy. God is not what we think of as "normal". Sometimes I thinks it's tough to really "get" Jesus' personality from the bible. I think he comes off as pretty serious, cause a good bit of the words have to do with Him suffering and dying, and it's kinda hard to take real suffering lightly, but I bet He was hardcore, in a fun way. Man, I just wish I could let my guard down and just relax my whole being. Like cut loose with Christ. In heaven, when things are right, and not a single thought is anythign less than good and perfect, me and Jesus, we're just gonna go out to the camphouse and go fishing, and just talk about stuff, and it wont be about how life is so hard and stuff, it'll just be good.
I don't know what I'm sayin right now, I know I mean it, but my brain just feeels weird after not sleeping for sooo long. I finally sat down and started my research paper at 11 last night and I finished at 10am this morning. I barely moved. For over 10 hours I focused on this one thing and now I'm just... here .
I'm in calculus right now. I think it's funny how I sit by Elizabeth and she is really nice, and I'm trying to think of how to describe her, she is friendly and innocent and on top of her work and stuff, and I come in unprepared, didn't do my homework with a black eye, beat up in my spirit and just look drained, like everytime I come in here. It's funny to me just because I wonder what she thinks is wrong with me. I mean, I probably look like a drug addict to her. But she is very cool to me and helps me keep going in this class.
It seems that the only time I can write these days is when I'm supposed to be doing something else. I think think my sanity is slowly decomposing. I "lose it" almost on a daily basis, and then God picks me up and sets me back on solid ground and then I'll wonder off on my own again. But he's faithful, He doesn't let go for too long. I was gonna say die... I was gonna say He doesn't let me physically die, but being away from Him, is hell on earth, and I would much rather die. I mean, I'm saying this because I don't just think I would want to die if I had to be apart from Him, I say this because I do get away from Him and I do want to die when it's happening. It's not just my circumstances. When I am away from His protection, I am vulnerable to the harshest, most terrible feelings, hurt beyond what I can explain, and just crap that doesn't make since, it doesn't make since for hardship to make me feel as bad as I do and will when I'm not completely relying on him. There is something very powerful at work, trying to take me down and keep me down. Like I could tell someone what all is happening with me, to me, around me, and they might be like yeah, that sucks pretty bad, and if somehow they can understand it all and put it together, I still don't think they would understand the toll it takes because it's out of porportion with the circumstances. It's physical and it's emotional, but it's SOO spiritual, I think I can actually feel it in my spirit when something really bad is happening, and I think I can actually feel in my spirit when someone is praying for me.
I am so helpless to helpmyself. nothing I can say to myself can pump me up enough to survive the lies hurt and frustration I hear in my mind everyday.
Norma Jean lyrics pretty much make me happier than any words I hear these days. If you know me, you should be able to see why.
We're recklessly looking for the truth,
and we'll tear this place apart.
There is hope for us yet.
Hope is there.
why can't you brace yourself?
We walked on glass all day long, with eyes rolled back
This is between me and this blade, and my heart.
May I have your attention, attention, attention?
This is a quote from our weapons,
"This fight is more important than your life."
destruction is constructive.
The world and waking and wearing.
the way that deaf can see a sound in darkness
Certainly we will find hope in desperation.
no. destruction is destructive.
Everyone stay calm, we're taking over this ship
with our lives, with our hearts, and with our hands out
to this God forsaken town. Hell will have no mercy.
it is time to move on with the weapons of faith and love.
Synchronize your steps to the sound of guns.
This world is damned to hell and it's a revelation.
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| my only reason for a smile |
[26 Oct 2006|12:42am] |
|
Great suffering is only made possible through great love. Seeing past suffering is so hard. But through grace I am given a promise. Through submission I can see. Through humility I can almost taste it. It is this. Through faithfullness the greatness of love and fulness of joy to come is greater than that behind me. Because of my Lord there is a day, a future that is beautiful. I put my hope in Him. I can smile when I think about that day.
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| tired |
[24 Oct 2006|01:46pm] |
|
slept four hours last night, but medicine gave me a two for one special.
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| hope |
[24 Oct 2006|01:43pm] |
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It's not focused around me, but I'm focused around it.
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